| - - - ...why do I always let my heart get the best of me? ©
I have been slacking off so badly in school lately. I even had my first Allen detentionlast Friday. You know you're all proud.
Milly's Xanga makes me sad because her pictures are so beautiful. I want my life to be beautiful. Every single moment and every single memory. I want life to be filled with willow trees. And sunsets. And rain. And smiles of close friends. And tears. I get incredibly sad when I let myself dream about not what life is, but what life could be, what the sheer beauty of it is like and what I am missing out on....
Someday after school I just want to go to cedar beach with friends and chill. I want to spend my days there under the willow trees and blue sky. Life is too short to be spent staring at off-white painted walls and being cried away in my bedroom. I want to feel again....
Although as conceeded as this may sound, it is becoming ever more apparent to me everyday that I am indeed an artist. I know I feel things differently than everyone else. I know I see everything differently. I see life in moments, in memories, in distinct human emoition, and in whispers. Then in my mind I slowly translate those feelings into black and white photographs, or paintings, or short stories. I write when my own life falls short. When I feel I need to express a moment or emotion that I can't feel, or feel too much. I'm so fucking emo.©
This is all too much for me. I want to be generic. Utterly and beautifully generic...
...I do not understand why mostly all of my relationships are one-sided. I have been trying so hard lately to make my life much better. Ever since my therapist said that I am an incredibly reactive person (as opposed to proactive...do you guys think I'm reactive?) I have actively been trying to make every day the best it can be. I have been trying to make so many new friends and trying to hang out with those friends. But for some reason, with the exception of Nina, I am always the one who has to make the plans, or prompt the plans, or make the calls. I mean I really hate asking the same people to hang out all the time, and calling those people all the time without them calling me. I know I annoy them. I can't help it. I just can't live like this anymore. I just wish I was invited out sometimes instead of having to do basically everyting on my own. Or have someone call me for a change.
...Today I found out that alot of people from school really don't like me and I'm not sure why. Like I said above, I have changed so much this year for the better. The other day in History Brittni were talking and someone said something about James, and she said that she thought he was a really cool kid. How do people percieve me? Do you all think I'm a cool kid? Or immature? Or what? Please give me advice guys. I am really trying so hard to make things better, to make things right. If you can't say it on here or it is too personal, email/im me at mintyfresh2717@aol.com. Thanks.
...who likes the new haircut? I've been getting mixed comments from people, mostly Brittni. LOL. I guess people think I'm a poser because I have an emo haircut and wear alot of Abercrombie.But then again I have alot of edgier (for the lack of a better word) clothes too. I'm just very myself. One thing I have learned this year is that labels are bullshit. Brittni says I'm trying too hard. Am I?
...I'm so incredibly insecure and immature ©
...I have alot of pictures from the past week or so I am going to post up, such as when I met the lead singer of Something Corporate. When I get time I will, but this is just for now:
I really think these are two of the best pictures I have ever taken...
Photos Copyright (C) 2005. May not be used or reprinted without permission. (yeah Jenna...lol)
Happy 17 James...
...chris © | 
